Green

It's morning, i'm not feeling the greatest, and what i really want to be doing is sleeping. Alas, that is not in the cards - I'm wide awake. I'm nestled on my couch in a deliciously comfortable fleece blanket and being kept company by the cats, who occasionally talk to me, but have their attention often captured by the birdies outside.
Chirp Chirp Chirp! they say, conversing about their new residence, global warming, and - obviously - the election. Our 2nd story apartment affords us a simple view of the trees which line our street. I swear, yesterday they were not this green. One of the greatest features of our place when we were looking was the tranquility we felt by being perched up in our own little tree house. I had forgotten.

Well, it's back, the green. And being awake to breathe it in ain't so bad.

chels
pax

anniversary!

yesterday marked 366 days since everett and i said our respective variations of 'i do' (i think either he or i said 'you bet'), thanks to leap year. and what a year it has been! full of ups and downs and surprises and the lot.

i am thankful that i have found a partner that i strive to be better with and for. i love that he loves me for who i am - all my faults and quirks and everything in between. and that i love him that way, too.

marriage is a pretty cool thing.

chels
pax

the ultrasound: it's official.

so i have been avoiding the ultrasound like the plague for many subconscious/unconscious reasons, namely that i am a little freaked out still that i - me, with my past and my baggage and my crazy world - i am going to be a parent. i know, i know, "this is what happens when you have unprotected sex, young lady!" but seriously, is this for real?

well today i bit the bullet, and it turns out that waiting was actually a great thing.

the tech went about her procedures, clicking away at what appeared to be a nice gray little blob inside of a ring of fluid and another ring... i know what these things are, but am not above saying that identifying the 'crown' and the 'rump' were anything other than - bigger blob there and oh, there too. she said 'you can see the face!' but really - just blob.

but the bigger deal was that there was another sac. for all my southern folk - that's a whole 'nother one. yes. two sacs. the second one was empty, which means i am only carrying one kiddo right now. but had i gone in 4 weeks ago, i would have certainly seen 2 sacs and 2 embryos. i would have been told 'you're having twins!' and then not until 18 weeks would i have found out that one perished. so now i know it happened, one didn't make it, but the other one is just a-ok.

to make sure, she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound to check out the other sac, and while doing so, she was able to take a better picture of the little dude - he was 100% DANCING. that perspective allowed me to see eyes and mouth and toes and arms and legs. we laughed, and said we have a little michael jackson in there! it was INCREDIBLE. awesome, fun, hilarious...defining.

i'm pregnant. with one. at least he or she knows how to boogie!

chels
pax

so it turns out that i had the flu.

one week later my ass is still being kicked, but much less so. holy shit that sucked.

anyway, i think i'm the only one who reads this blog, so in case i was wondering, i'm feeling much better now.

the end

chels
pax

I have an exam tomorrow. I'm not ready, and I am well aware that I need to get in gear and start reviewing. I have two cats looking at me with hunger in their eyes and all I need to do is get up and feed them... scoop, scoop. Easy.

This morning sickness crap has me grounded. I don't want to move, breathe, drink, eat - nothing. I just want to cuddle up in my blanket and robe and moan a little like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.

Problem is it lasts all day... guess the guy who named it was never pregnant. Anyway. God give me strength. I need about 30 hours of it, then I'm good.

pax

simple word
truth
it beckons, it roars
and curves

thoughts of white
cripple
and bleed

release!

breathe

Crap Sandwich: Delicious

It's Sunday night... the end of a wreck of a weekend. I have finally been able to release some thoughts I have been harnessing for months. You can imagine how tough that has been for all parties, and while it is the beginning of some very difficult roads, just saying the words has been such a relief.

I have to say one thing - just to put it down. I was sitting on our fire escape crying, praying, not able to catch a single thought as they fluttered about in my head as though they had chorea. I wondered what what what could possibly become of the mess I was drowning in. And then from above, the faint sounds of The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony peppered the sky.

I couldn't help but smiling. That song has carried me through several life-changing decisions, turbulent times, happy times, the lot. I am reminded of my strength. To hear it then, there.... well, I know this:

I will be fine, whatever comes of whatever is next. Life has thrown me some crazy curve balls, and I'm game.

Thanks for the tunes, whomever sent them. Good timing.