The Giving Tree

Tonight I began our bedtime routine normally enough... around 8:30 we start the bath, play for as long as Dylan wants or as long as the water remains warm (whichever comes first). Little man LOVES the tub. We sing, splash, float, wash, and now we walk and climb. Dylan loves to stand up and walk up and down the length of the tub - and I love to help him along.

After the tub, we have started to read to him. Goodnight moon has been our staple for the last few days, but I decided it was too short this evening. Thus, I grabbed The Giving Tree off our bookshelf and settled in for a cozy little read with my baby.

I suppose we never realize the depth of things at each encounter, until we face it again down the line. Tonight I re-read Shel Silverstein's words, and for the life of me, could not stop crying. So beautiful, so meaningful. So right for today's world.

We place such a price on things things things. It's all crap. All of it. I am watching my cat have the best time she's had in ages with a cotton ball. I asked someone at the toy store what to get a 1year old, and he said it didn't matter, the kid will only want to play with the box.

I hope I am able to convey to Dylan the importance of things not being important. Having the latest this that or other thing is not what defines us. We must find happiness in the little, the mundane, the everyday.

Thank you, Stephanie, for the book, and for reminding me of what really makes me happy.

chels
pax

Quiet Time...

well hello blog world,

i have had my hands full with the little dude... but he's sound asleep at the moment so i thought i'd check in.

mommyhood is such a radically different experience than i had envisioned. better, worse - much more hectic. things occur daily that i wouldn't have even considered the day before... oh the learning curve is steep. but you do it, and prepare yourself for the next adventure.

i love our little dylan. he is sooo, so cute. a little man. i love when he stares into my eyes - looking for love, reassurance, quiet, guideance, confirmation... all of it. he's a good baby, and though he gets fussy, he's quite proper. most of the time his hands are gently closed over his belly as if he's paying respect to someone. maybe it's me... maybe it's no one... ah, doesn't matter it's just really cute.

anyway, i admit i get bored when he's asleep and i am alone in the house, but pretty much every moment he's awake makes it all worth while. i'm glad i've taken 12 weeks off instead of only 6. he's five weeks monday (2 days) and i can't imagine leaving him home in a week. he's too little, and i'm too new for that to be okay. i probably will think 12 weeks isn't enough either, but i'll deal with that later.

i think i owe a big thank you to whomever is guiding this universe... be it god, be it energy, be it the marionette holder. you've blessed me with a wonderful husband, and blessed us with this gorgeous person that we get to help grow. i am humbled.

chels
pax

well looky who joined us in this world!

DYLAN MILLET WARD!!

AN-TI-CI-PATION

first let me begin by saying i do not like carly simon's song.

however, "we can never know about the days to come, but we think about them anyway..." sounds about right, right now.

it's been almost 9 whole months now (we'll never know really, will we?) and this little critter has been steadily growing inside me belly, and with it i have experienced feelings that i never considered i would have - namely being jabbed in the liver time and time again.

the love, the wonder, the amazement - and now the hurry up and wait. everett and i are so ready (dammit!) to meet this little fella! will he have big brown eyes? curly hair? hair at all? will he have stick legs and big feet like dad did? oy, this is not a chore for an impatient person!

at any rate, i suppose the point is - as my friend kate kindly put it - that the little man is clearly stating who is boss these days, and we are just going to have to deal with it. one day, one hour, one mini non-contraction cramp after another. one of these times it will be the real deal, and then the world as we know it will begin to change.

until then i'm keeping my date with that chicken salad at the cheescake factory, and will devour every last bite as a soon-to-be mom, instead of a bleary-eyed, sleep deprived (but nonetheless, a) mom.

chels
pax

STEP UP PEOPLE!

ok - i shall first say that i am in no way perfect, not even close - and i fully understand the idea of what faults you find in others are often direct reflections of yourself. ok. there's that.

now for the greasy stuff:

1) if you are going to be accountable, and even have a degree IN accounting (i mean, really), then for the love of god please do not say one thing, mean another, and do something else entirely. i am depending on your word as your word, and if you don't mean it - don't say it. and seriously, don't do it twice.

2) please don't pretend to offer something and then at the last minute pull the rug out. or even hint at pretending. if i ask you - can i ... whatever it is. say no or say yes, but please, if you can save the ambiguity. or the 'oh i'm trying to be nice about it' it's like baiting me and the slapping me in the face. opposite of fun.

3) if you are upset with me about one thing - say it. if not right then, then it better be soon after. do not - do NOT transfer all those pent up feelings into something benign and then throw it all at me and expect me to understand. it is a) unsuccessful and b) dumb. if you are upset at something i said a month ago, but are leashing it out on me through something else today, i'm sorry i can't read between those lines. i am not that smart, i guess, and i am toootally okay with that.
it's a shame you don't have the confidence to stand up and say what you feel, and it's also a shame that for whatever past i have that i have given you the impression that i cannot handle whatever feelings you currently hold. sure shit stings - rather have an immediate sting-regroup-correct-learn thing than the other way around.

holding on to the past is one thing - we all harbour images, thoughts, emotions, the lot. these frame us, shape us, teach us who we want to be, and who we don't.

holding onto anger until it seeps up as something else is unhealthy. please, don't take your unhealthy out on me.

not even close to the end, but.... all i'm gonna say on the blog thing.

chels
pax

my attetion span has evapor... what was i saying?

well hello there,

so my brain has decided to check out at the worst possible time. i'm staring at my study materials i've owned for a year now, but they just stare back - the information does not jump off the page and into my memory, sadly. the long days are very boring and genuinely unproductive. i know i'm supposed to lose a few brain cells, but i truly think most of them are in bermuda somewhere either on the beach or lost in that damn triangle.

anyway, today, to combat the afternoon blues - you know when almost everyone's brain turns to slush (ie, why we have an 8-5 workday), i decided - hey self, let's take a nice shower, get things refreshed, and maybe i'll have a new outlook on studying for the rest of the day. this was after talking myself out of watching a movie, surfing the 'net, or procrastinating in many other ways. so shower it is.

i think i was in there 15 seconds when the entire ceiling caved in and landed on top of me.

so now i'm unclean, unrefreshed, and still unmotivated, and have to clean up wet ceiling. fun!

there IS a nice breeze today, though. so at least that's good.


chels
pax

postscript: following said post, cat knocked over full glass 'o water onto said study materials.

not kidding.

oh...day

c

Green

It's morning, i'm not feeling the greatest, and what i really want to be doing is sleeping. Alas, that is not in the cards - I'm wide awake. I'm nestled on my couch in a deliciously comfortable fleece blanket and being kept company by the cats, who occasionally talk to me, but have their attention often captured by the birdies outside.
Chirp Chirp Chirp! they say, conversing about their new residence, global warming, and - obviously - the election. Our 2nd story apartment affords us a simple view of the trees which line our street. I swear, yesterday they were not this green. One of the greatest features of our place when we were looking was the tranquility we felt by being perched up in our own little tree house. I had forgotten.

Well, it's back, the green. And being awake to breathe it in ain't so bad.

chels
pax

anniversary!

yesterday marked 366 days since everett and i said our respective variations of 'i do' (i think either he or i said 'you bet'), thanks to leap year. and what a year it has been! full of ups and downs and surprises and the lot.

i am thankful that i have found a partner that i strive to be better with and for. i love that he loves me for who i am - all my faults and quirks and everything in between. and that i love him that way, too.

marriage is a pretty cool thing.

chels
pax

the ultrasound: it's official.

so i have been avoiding the ultrasound like the plague for many subconscious/unconscious reasons, namely that i am a little freaked out still that i - me, with my past and my baggage and my crazy world - i am going to be a parent. i know, i know, "this is what happens when you have unprotected sex, young lady!" but seriously, is this for real?

well today i bit the bullet, and it turns out that waiting was actually a great thing.

the tech went about her procedures, clicking away at what appeared to be a nice gray little blob inside of a ring of fluid and another ring... i know what these things are, but am not above saying that identifying the 'crown' and the 'rump' were anything other than - bigger blob there and oh, there too. she said 'you can see the face!' but really - just blob.

but the bigger deal was that there was another sac. for all my southern folk - that's a whole 'nother one. yes. two sacs. the second one was empty, which means i am only carrying one kiddo right now. but had i gone in 4 weeks ago, i would have certainly seen 2 sacs and 2 embryos. i would have been told 'you're having twins!' and then not until 18 weeks would i have found out that one perished. so now i know it happened, one didn't make it, but the other one is just a-ok.

to make sure, she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound to check out the other sac, and while doing so, she was able to take a better picture of the little dude - he was 100% DANCING. that perspective allowed me to see eyes and mouth and toes and arms and legs. we laughed, and said we have a little michael jackson in there! it was INCREDIBLE. awesome, fun, hilarious...defining.

i'm pregnant. with one. at least he or she knows how to boogie!

chels
pax

so it turns out that i had the flu.

one week later my ass is still being kicked, but much less so. holy shit that sucked.

anyway, i think i'm the only one who reads this blog, so in case i was wondering, i'm feeling much better now.

the end

chels
pax

I have an exam tomorrow. I'm not ready, and I am well aware that I need to get in gear and start reviewing. I have two cats looking at me with hunger in their eyes and all I need to do is get up and feed them... scoop, scoop. Easy.

This morning sickness crap has me grounded. I don't want to move, breathe, drink, eat - nothing. I just want to cuddle up in my blanket and robe and moan a little like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.

Problem is it lasts all day... guess the guy who named it was never pregnant. Anyway. God give me strength. I need about 30 hours of it, then I'm good.

pax

simple word
truth
it beckons, it roars
and curves

thoughts of white
cripple
and bleed

release!

breathe