ok - i shall first say that i am in no way perfect, not even close - and i fully understand the idea of what faults you find in others are often direct reflections of yourself. ok. there's that.
now for the greasy stuff:
1) if you are going to be accountable, and even have a degree IN accounting (i mean, really), then for the love of god please do not say one thing, mean another, and do something else entirely. i am depending on your word as your word, and if you don't mean it - don't say it. and seriously, don't do it twice.
2) please don't pretend to offer something and then at the last minute pull the rug out. or even hint at pretending. if i ask you - can i ... whatever it is. say no or say yes, but please, if you can save the ambiguity. or the 'oh i'm trying to be nice about it' it's like baiting me and the slapping me in the face. opposite of fun.
3) if you are upset with me about one thing - say it. if not right then, then it better be soon after. do not - do NOT transfer all those pent up feelings into something benign and then throw it all at me and expect me to understand. it is a) unsuccessful and b) dumb. if you are upset at something i said a month ago, but are leashing it out on me through something else today, i'm sorry i can't read between those lines. i am not that smart, i guess, and i am toootally okay with that.
it's a shame you don't have the confidence to stand up and say what you feel, and it's also a shame that for whatever past i have that i have given you the impression that i cannot handle whatever feelings you currently hold. sure shit stings - rather have an immediate sting-regroup-correct-learn thing than the other way around.
holding on to the past is one thing - we all harbour images, thoughts, emotions, the lot. these frame us, shape us, teach us who we want to be, and who we don't.
holding onto anger until it seeps up as something else is unhealthy. please, don't take your unhealthy out on me.
not even close to the end, but.... all i'm gonna say on the blog thing.
chels
pax
Monday, June 16, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
my attetion span has evapor... what was i saying?
well hello there,
so my brain has decided to check out at the worst possible time. i'm staring at my study materials i've owned for a year now, but they just stare back - the information does not jump off the page and into my memory, sadly. the long days are very boring and genuinely unproductive. i know i'm supposed to lose a few brain cells, but i truly think most of them are in bermuda somewhere either on the beach or lost in that damn triangle.
anyway, today, to combat the afternoon blues - you know when almost everyone's brain turns to slush (ie, why we have an 8-5 workday), i decided - hey self, let's take a nice shower, get things refreshed, and maybe i'll have a new outlook on studying for the rest of the day. this was after talking myself out of watching a movie, surfing the 'net, or procrastinating in many other ways. so shower it is.
i think i was in there 15 seconds when the entire ceiling caved in and landed on top of me.
so now i'm unclean, unrefreshed, and still unmotivated, and have to clean up wet ceiling. fun!
there IS a nice breeze today, though. so at least that's good.
chels
pax
postscript: following said post, cat knocked over full glass 'o water onto said study materials.
not kidding.
oh...day
c
so my brain has decided to check out at the worst possible time. i'm staring at my study materials i've owned for a year now, but they just stare back - the information does not jump off the page and into my memory, sadly. the long days are very boring and genuinely unproductive. i know i'm supposed to lose a few brain cells, but i truly think most of them are in bermuda somewhere either on the beach or lost in that damn triangle.
anyway, today, to combat the afternoon blues - you know when almost everyone's brain turns to slush (ie, why we have an 8-5 workday), i decided - hey self, let's take a nice shower, get things refreshed, and maybe i'll have a new outlook on studying for the rest of the day. this was after talking myself out of watching a movie, surfing the 'net, or procrastinating in many other ways. so shower it is.
i think i was in there 15 seconds when the entire ceiling caved in and landed on top of me.
so now i'm unclean, unrefreshed, and still unmotivated, and have to clean up wet ceiling. fun!
there IS a nice breeze today, though. so at least that's good.
chels
pax
postscript: following said post, cat knocked over full glass 'o water onto said study materials.
not kidding.
oh...day
c
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Green
It's morning, i'm not feeling the greatest, and what i really want to be doing is sleeping. Alas, that is not in the cards - I'm wide awake. I'm nestled on my couch in a deliciously comfortable fleece blanket and being kept company by the cats, who occasionally talk to me, but have their attention often captured by the birdies outside.
Chirp Chirp Chirp! they say, conversing about their new residence, global warming, and - obviously - the election. Our 2nd story apartment affords us a simple view of the trees which line our street. I swear, yesterday they were not this green. One of the greatest features of our place when we were looking was the tranquility we felt by being perched up in our own little tree house. I had forgotten.
Well, it's back, the green. And being awake to breathe it in ain't so bad.
chels
pax
Chirp Chirp Chirp! they say, conversing about their new residence, global warming, and - obviously - the election. Our 2nd story apartment affords us a simple view of the trees which line our street. I swear, yesterday they were not this green. One of the greatest features of our place when we were looking was the tranquility we felt by being perched up in our own little tree house. I had forgotten.
Well, it's back, the green. And being awake to breathe it in ain't so bad.
chels
pax
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
anniversary!
yesterday marked 366 days since everett and i said our respective variations of 'i do' (i think either he or i said 'you bet'), thanks to leap year. and what a year it has been! full of ups and downs and surprises and the lot.
i am thankful that i have found a partner that i strive to be better with and for. i love that he loves me for who i am - all my faults and quirks and everything in between. and that i love him that way, too.
marriage is a pretty cool thing.
chels
pax
i am thankful that i have found a partner that i strive to be better with and for. i love that he loves me for who i am - all my faults and quirks and everything in between. and that i love him that way, too.
marriage is a pretty cool thing.
chels
pax
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
the ultrasound: it's official.
so i have been avoiding the ultrasound like the plague for many subconscious/unconscious reasons, namely that i am a little freaked out still that i - me, with my past and my baggage and my crazy world - i am going to be a parent. i know, i know, "this is what happens when you have unprotected sex, young lady!" but seriously, is this for real?
well today i bit the bullet, and it turns out that waiting was actually a great thing.
the tech went about her procedures, clicking away at what appeared to be a nice gray little blob inside of a ring of fluid and another ring... i know what these things are, but am not above saying that identifying the 'crown' and the 'rump' were anything other than - bigger blob there and oh, there too. she said 'you can see the face!' but really - just blob.
but the bigger deal was that there was another sac. for all my southern folk - that's a whole 'nother one. yes. two sacs. the second one was empty, which means i am only carrying one kiddo right now. but had i gone in 4 weeks ago, i would have certainly seen 2 sacs and 2 embryos. i would have been told 'you're having twins!' and then not until 18 weeks would i have found out that one perished. so now i know it happened, one didn't make it, but the other one is just a-ok.
to make sure, she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound to check out the other sac, and while doing so, she was able to take a better picture of the little dude - he was 100% DANCING. that perspective allowed me to see eyes and mouth and toes and arms and legs. we laughed, and said we have a little michael jackson in there! it was INCREDIBLE. awesome, fun, hilarious...defining.
i'm pregnant. with one. at least he or she knows how to boogie!
chels
pax
well today i bit the bullet, and it turns out that waiting was actually a great thing.
the tech went about her procedures, clicking away at what appeared to be a nice gray little blob inside of a ring of fluid and another ring... i know what these things are, but am not above saying that identifying the 'crown' and the 'rump' were anything other than - bigger blob there and oh, there too. she said 'you can see the face!' but really - just blob.
but the bigger deal was that there was another sac. for all my southern folk - that's a whole 'nother one. yes. two sacs. the second one was empty, which means i am only carrying one kiddo right now. but had i gone in 4 weeks ago, i would have certainly seen 2 sacs and 2 embryos. i would have been told 'you're having twins!' and then not until 18 weeks would i have found out that one perished. so now i know it happened, one didn't make it, but the other one is just a-ok.
to make sure, she did a trans-vaginal ultrasound to check out the other sac, and while doing so, she was able to take a better picture of the little dude - he was 100% DANCING. that perspective allowed me to see eyes and mouth and toes and arms and legs. we laughed, and said we have a little michael jackson in there! it was INCREDIBLE. awesome, fun, hilarious...defining.
i'm pregnant. with one. at least he or she knows how to boogie!
chels
pax
Friday, February 1, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I have an exam tomorrow. I'm not ready, and I am well aware that I need to get in gear and start reviewing. I have two cats looking at me with hunger in their eyes and all I need to do is get up and feed them... scoop, scoop. Easy.
This morning sickness crap has me grounded. I don't want to move, breathe, drink, eat - nothing. I just want to cuddle up in my blanket and robe and moan a little like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.
Problem is it lasts all day... guess the guy who named it was never pregnant. Anyway. God give me strength. I need about 30 hours of it, then I'm good.
pax
This morning sickness crap has me grounded. I don't want to move, breathe, drink, eat - nothing. I just want to cuddle up in my blanket and robe and moan a little like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally.
Problem is it lasts all day... guess the guy who named it was never pregnant. Anyway. God give me strength. I need about 30 hours of it, then I'm good.
pax
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